I was working just outside Newark, NJ. The traffic was especially heavy due to a soccer match and the cars were moving very slowly. I managed to find my destination and park in the parking lot. Just before starting my job, my stomach began to churn. I began to think of my options. My hotel was over an hour away and finding a place to go potty in Newark is next to impossible. There are no public bathrooms!
My stomach began to ache violently. My only option was to leave the car and walk down the street and find a bathroom. I got out and started walking, with that rather odd and distinctive sphincter clutching stride. Then I saw HABIB’S BBQ. I hastened my pace, only to be fouled out by a traffic cop who would not let me cross the street. I stood there and gave him my best “I am dying here type look.” He gave me that “I don’t care!” type look. Finally I could not take it. I crossed anyway. Officer Friendly became not so friendly as he blew his whistle like A New Orleans trumpet player, cheeks all red and such. He pointed at me to go back but my course was set! I walked past him and said, “I have to go to the bathroom.” I just kept walking sphincter tight mode and did not look back. I envisage myself in jail for years to come for this, but I had to go.
I entered into the small eatery. It was tiny, about 8 tables and a long counter. The tables were dressed in white cloth table covering and well appointed for a BBQ joint. I quickly made my way to the john.. It was a single seat bathroom, no urinal, clean and empty with a lock on the door. Needing to “drop anchor “ quickly I went and in 1.756 seconds I was experiencing comfort and relief.
Just after letting the first round of passengers off the bus, the door knob began to rattle. Since I had locked it the interloper was unable to get in. It persisted and then I yelled “Occupied!” as the second round of passengers left the bus. About 30 seconds later came a knock at the door. “I will be done in a minute.” I yelled. As I sat there what my old high school buddy Dale Bascue would call the “green vapors “ started to arise. The knocking persisted. Once more I yelled through the door that I was almost done.
I quickly finished up the paperwork, washed my hands and opened the door. Habib was standing there. I politely said “Excuse me” and walked past him. I soon about 3 steps when Habib yelled out to me: “You stunk up my bathroom!” Now his voice carried in the small establishment and the dozen or more customers all turned to look. Then Habib came out and said “You stunk up bathroom!” Then with his Soup Nazi accent he said “ Bathroom only for whiz whiz! You no go shu shu here. Whiz whiz only!” I half expected him to say “No shu shu for you! Come back one month!” with his raised index finger.
I smiled, thanked him for the use of his facilities and grabbed a Coke out of the cooler so at least I could say I was a paying customer if the cops showed up. I took it to the counter and attempted to pay when Habib followed me over and ordered me to leave and I could not complete the purchase. “No! Leave now!” And he grabbed the Coke off the counter away from me. I did the walk of shame past other horrified customers. I completed my perp walk knowing that every eye in the room was looking at me. So now I stand alone, me against the world. Probably the only person in recent memory to be refused service for going shu shu instead of whiz whiz only.
I walked out to cross the street and return to my car. Officer Friendly stood there. “Feeling better?” He asked. “Yes, but not really.” was my reply. I hate New Jersey!